As a high school teacher and a guy I concur with much of this essay: we're failing boys and having to deal with this failure once they're men. Some of this is difficult to fix macro-economics, such as the relative lack of physically demanding, and hence more likely to be held by men, jobs. Even if we bring back manufacturing, the mills, mines, and factories don't need the old numbers of guys on an assembly lines. Modern firms now rely on a few employees supervising robots and machinery, not humans.
Some of it though can and could be fixed, particularly in our schools, where we're using inbuilt inefficiencies, from a school year with long summer breaks even though only 1% of our nation's citizens now need summer for agricultural work, to the style of learning. We're asking boys to sit quietly and focus on texts for hours, and no, they're not designed physically, emotionally or psychologically for these tasks. My personal favorite educational experience was the police academy (POST), because our lectures alternated regularly with sustained physical training. We need more of this.
We need longer school days to acknowledge many parents now work longer hours, with some staff arriving earlier and then leaving earlier and others coming in later and staying later. Alternate academics with physical activities, from working out and playing sports to dram and art that involves movement. There's nothing wrong with dance classes for example, or yoga. Schools should begin with breakfast, an academic class for digestion time, then exercise, repeating over the course of the day.
Traditional feminism has its strengths and good points too: we need to structure employment and even our courts to focus less on gender and more on performance. You can't support and system where men take all the financial risks in marriage (and divorce settlements) and expect equal support from both genders. For divorce, for example, I've long believed the two individuals should be examined without the court knowing the gender of either party (plaintiff A and B, or random numbers). The same should be true of resumes and other evaluations for employment: the gender should be increasingly ignored in favor of abilities.
Boys need more active learning, and that's not impossible to create. Nor is a roughly equal world where both sexes get their due and fair share of both responsibilities and challenges at home and at work. We can and should do so.
Whether we will as a society is a separate question unfortunately. I have my doubts, like the author.
This is great reflection! I have two boys now and hope to have more children—boys and girls, G-d willing! I think about them growing up with some sadness, but also joy—I’ll be the Grandma! And they remind me about it: “When I’m a Dad…” Moms who love and support their sons’ growth, including their individuation and eventually their marriage, can hopefully have a wonderful, continued relationship with them.
I see this with my brothers and with my husband. In fact, I’m close with my mother-in-law, and we currently live right next door to my in-laws!
So much of this resonates with me! I love raising five boys. I love the boisterous humor and rambunctious physicality of it all. When our first three were five and under I was convinced I could raise them all to drink tea and read poetry with me and was determined to raise counter-cultural gentlemen. And while they all drink tea and read (not necessarily poetry!) I realize now that the boundless energy HAS to be channeled lest a sibling be the only one on the receiving end of aggressive behavior. Now I see the appeal of group sports (never having participated in my own childhood I tended to see them as optional or worse). I thank God for swim team and cross country and tennis and soccer games and long bike rides. Also getting a job as young as possible. Driving helps too I think. They are built to conquer. What Pool Lady said about being the other grandma gave me a pang. I am praying even now for friendships with future daughter-in-laws of mutual blessing. When my mother-in-law lived with us the year before she went to heaven I was amazed to realize she had become one of my closest friends. I aim to keep the tradition going. 💚
Amen to all! I was a tomboy so I went into it with my eyes open I think! But omg the other grandma thing got me too! What you had with your MIL exactly what I pray to have with DILs…at least a couple of them! 🙏🥹
One element of culture we've simply lost is the coming of age trials, which are much more important for boys. There is no test that must be passed, no threshold that must be crossed for a boy to become a man anymore. The closest thing we have is graduating high school and going to college, but college fails many boys specifically because there was no moment of maturation between leaving home and living on your own.
As a high school teacher and a guy I concur with much of this essay: we're failing boys and having to deal with this failure once they're men. Some of this is difficult to fix macro-economics, such as the relative lack of physically demanding, and hence more likely to be held by men, jobs. Even if we bring back manufacturing, the mills, mines, and factories don't need the old numbers of guys on an assembly lines. Modern firms now rely on a few employees supervising robots and machinery, not humans.
Some of it though can and could be fixed, particularly in our schools, where we're using inbuilt inefficiencies, from a school year with long summer breaks even though only 1% of our nation's citizens now need summer for agricultural work, to the style of learning. We're asking boys to sit quietly and focus on texts for hours, and no, they're not designed physically, emotionally or psychologically for these tasks. My personal favorite educational experience was the police academy (POST), because our lectures alternated regularly with sustained physical training. We need more of this.
We need longer school days to acknowledge many parents now work longer hours, with some staff arriving earlier and then leaving earlier and others coming in later and staying later. Alternate academics with physical activities, from working out and playing sports to dram and art that involves movement. There's nothing wrong with dance classes for example, or yoga. Schools should begin with breakfast, an academic class for digestion time, then exercise, repeating over the course of the day.
Traditional feminism has its strengths and good points too: we need to structure employment and even our courts to focus less on gender and more on performance. You can't support and system where men take all the financial risks in marriage (and divorce settlements) and expect equal support from both genders. For divorce, for example, I've long believed the two individuals should be examined without the court knowing the gender of either party (plaintiff A and B, or random numbers). The same should be true of resumes and other evaluations for employment: the gender should be increasingly ignored in favor of abilities.
Boys need more active learning, and that's not impossible to create. Nor is a roughly equal world where both sexes get their due and fair share of both responsibilities and challenges at home and at work. We can and should do so.
Whether we will as a society is a separate question unfortunately. I have my doubts, like the author.
A fine essay, on an important topic. Well said.
This is great reflection! I have two boys now and hope to have more children—boys and girls, G-d willing! I think about them growing up with some sadness, but also joy—I’ll be the Grandma! And they remind me about it: “When I’m a Dad…” Moms who love and support their sons’ growth, including their individuation and eventually their marriage, can hopefully have a wonderful, continued relationship with them.
I see this with my brothers and with my husband. In fact, I’m close with my mother-in-law, and we currently live right next door to my in-laws!
That’s the dream! Thank you! 🙏
Well said and thought-provoking. I had not considered before a mother’s anticipated experience as her boy matures contrasted with a daughter.
This post reminded me of another short reflection my sister wrote last year around her oldest son’s eighteenth birthday. I’m sure you will appreciate it: https://open.substack.com/pub/sarahelizabethsmith/p/water-walden-and-wonder?r=2rdg3l&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
How beautiful! He sounds a lot like my oldest. Can’t cry any more today! 🥹
So much of this resonates with me! I love raising five boys. I love the boisterous humor and rambunctious physicality of it all. When our first three were five and under I was convinced I could raise them all to drink tea and read poetry with me and was determined to raise counter-cultural gentlemen. And while they all drink tea and read (not necessarily poetry!) I realize now that the boundless energy HAS to be channeled lest a sibling be the only one on the receiving end of aggressive behavior. Now I see the appeal of group sports (never having participated in my own childhood I tended to see them as optional or worse). I thank God for swim team and cross country and tennis and soccer games and long bike rides. Also getting a job as young as possible. Driving helps too I think. They are built to conquer. What Pool Lady said about being the other grandma gave me a pang. I am praying even now for friendships with future daughter-in-laws of mutual blessing. When my mother-in-law lived with us the year before she went to heaven I was amazed to realize she had become one of my closest friends. I aim to keep the tradition going. 💚
Amen to all! I was a tomboy so I went into it with my eyes open I think! But omg the other grandma thing got me too! What you had with your MIL exactly what I pray to have with DILs…at least a couple of them! 🙏🥹
Job as young as possible…taking notes!!
Lovely!
One element of culture we've simply lost is the coming of age trials, which are much more important for boys. There is no test that must be passed, no threshold that must be crossed for a boy to become a man anymore. The closest thing we have is graduating high school and going to college, but college fails many boys specifically because there was no moment of maturation between leaving home and living on your own.